The Words That Hurt More Than Help: What Not to Say to Someone Struggling

While depression has nearly been reduced to an internet buzzword, it's a life-altering condition that many people live with. At the same time, it's also something that many people misunderstand.

Although research has yet to determine the root cause of depression, scientists have long determined that it has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation or motivation. When a person you care about is going through depression, your first instinct may be to offer some advice.

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You do this with good intentions, hoping to help them feel better or navigate whatever challenge they're dealing with. However, your message might not land the way you intend, especially if you don't understand the nature of the illness.

It's worth noting that depression is a condition that requires treatment, which can involve medication, therapy, self-help strategies, and more. That's why it's important to know and understand the kind of statements that will likely do more harm than good.

The following statements are the type of messages that make a person with depression feel worse or make you come across as lacking empathy or compassion for what they're experiencing — and what to say instead.

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'Just Try Harder'

Telling someone with depression to "just try harder" can make them feel dismissed and hopeless. When you're already struggling, being told effort is the problem can sound like blame rather than support.

Depression isn't about willpower — it's a medical condition that can involve brain chemistry, hormones, and other physiological factors. Psychotherapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright explains that comments like this can deepen shame.

"It implies the person is choosing to feel this way, which is terrible," she says. Instead of offering advice, try simple reassurance — something like, "I don't know exactly what to say, but I'm here." Being present and understanding means far more than pushing someone to "try harder."

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'It Can't Be That Bad'

Saying, "It can't be that bad," might seem like encouragement, but it can make someone with depression feel invalidated. It suggests their pain isn't real or serious enough, which can exacerbate guilt and shame.

As Giolitti-Wright explains, "If you tell someone their situation could be worse, you're telling them their pain isn't legitimate unless it meets an arbitrary threshold." Instead of comparing or minimizing what they're going through, acknowledge their feelings.

Try saying something like, "What you're going through sounds really hard. I want to understand it better." Validating their experience reminds them that their pain matters, no matter how it compares to anyone else's.

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'Don't Be Dramatic'

Telling someone with depression they're "just being dramatic" can invalidate what they're feeling. Giolitti-Wright explains this response is a "classic" but harmful reaction, especially for women who are often told to suppress emotion instead of exploring it.

"It teaches people to suppress emotion rather than explore it, which is what we need when we're depressed," she says. When you question or minimize someone's feelings — asking if they're sure they're not just sad, for instance — it can make them feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid to open up again.

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Additionally, avoid telling someone with depression that they don't "look depressed" or "seem fine." A lot of the time people who need help don't look like they do. You also don't want to attribute their illness to their lifestyle.

As previously mentioned, researchers are still investigating what causes depression; however, some of the key factors they've identified — including genetics, environmental factors, chronic stress, and trauma — tend to be out of a person's control.

Understanding what not to say to someone with depression is just as important as knowing how to offer genuine support. Compassion, patience, and validation can make a world of difference for someone who feels unseen or misunderstood.